L. H. Puttgrass (legerdemain) wrote,
L. H. Puttgrass

Listen, I know how it is. You, like all of us, from time to time find yourself at a barbeque, probably in the backyard of a friend or acquaintance. For me it was a birthday barbeque, but this is not important. At this event, you may find yourself with a bottle of beer in your hand and no readily available opener at your disposal. You'll pat your pockets to see what you have with you, and you'll think "Gee, my cellphone's antenna could do the trick." Don't mistake me: it is not for me to tell you how to live your life. My goal here is simply to help you make an informed choice next time this situation arises. Should you go ahead and try to open your beer with your cellphone antenna, this is what will happen: the first time, it will work like a charm. The top will pop off, and there will only be a little mark on the plastic sheath of the antenna. You'll feel pleased with your ingenuity, with using tools for new, unintended purposes. But the second beer, beware the second beer! This is the beer that will snap the antenna off of your phone, rendering it incapable of picking up a signal. Plus, that sikh dude who was opening beers with his metal bracelet is right over there, so there's absolutely no need to break the phone.

Also, should you go out to buy your new phone the next morning before meeting someone you haven't seen in quite a while for lunch, give it enough time. Like an hour. Those salespeople are in no hurry to get you your goods in a timely manner, it seems. If you're not careful, they'll make you 10 minutes late, and you don't want to look rude, do you? Finally, and this one I really mean, when you sit down to this lunch be sure, absolutely sure, that you do not knock over a glass of water two minutes later, spilling water across the table and into your friend's lap. That is inexcusable, though not malicious.
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The trick, my friend, is to get a cellphone without an antenna. Problem: solved. Or prevented.

In any case, I've been using a tire iron lately, and it works like a charm. Won't keep anyone from spilling glasses of water, though.
Actually, my new phone has no antenna, and no sharp corners to try and lure me into opening a beer with them.

Really, though, a full on tire iron? Isn't that a little overboard? I'm not against the idea, but if you're talking about what I think you are, dang, hoss.
Right before your lj entry, I was reading some other advice--Nazim Hikmet's Some Advice to Those Who Will Serve Time in Prison. I really like the part when he recommends weaving and making mirrors, but it's not my favorite part.

Anyway, your advice is much more likely to be useful to me in my life, and don't think I don't appreciate that.
Can I open a bottle of beer with a novel? How bout Middlemarch? Can I open a beer with my tax refund?